I have a student, Derrick*, in my class who is never without his “Grumpy” (the dwarf) sweatshirt. This sweatshirt is often a quite literal reflection of his mood. I know that school is not an easy place for Derrick. Derrick struggles. He is several grade levels behind in reading. I have seen him work diligently on a project for 45 minutes, make a small mistake, and then just throw the whole thing away. Derrick has a good relationship with my cooperating teacher (he was in his class last year too). I know that he enjoys his time in the Learning Center as well. Derrick loves to stay in during recess, and will talk your ear off about his hobbies and interests. But, here is my struggle: every time I try to check in with him during work time he just shuts down. He often works himself up to the point where he is breaking his mechanical pencils into pieces or scratching holes into his paper.
I’ve been having a mental wrestling match with myself. I want Derrick to know that I care about him and as his teacher, I can’t let him sit idly by. I know that relationships and trust are built over time, but on the other hand I don’t want him to think that it is okay to sit and break pencils if I ask him how he is doing. On Tuesday, we had an incident where this happened and I could tell that Derrick was having a hard time for most of the day after that. I tried to be understanding, to let him know that I understood that he was frustrated. My CT thinks that he probably doesn’t want me to see how much he is really struggling, that its hard for him to admit it.
I decided to just try to connect with Derrick at times when I could see that he wasn’t frustrated. He stayed in during recess on Thursday and it was just the two of us. We had the chance to talk about why he likes the Learning Center, more about his hobbies (seriously hard to get a word in, once he gets going!) and about some of the writing we have been working on. The next day he asked me for help in math. I’m not saying that Derrick and I are great terms yet, or that we can put the broken pencil days behind us, but it felt like a small step in the right direction.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about Derrick this week, wondering what I should do. I’ve leaned heavily on Faber and Mazlich’s ideas in How To Talk So Kids Can Learn, and some of the principles of Positive Discipline that I used in my preschool class. Honestly, I’ve been frustrated, but I’ve also tried to look at things from Derrick’s perspective and practice empathy.
*a pseudonym
***UPDATE***
I’m happy to say that Derrick and I are on really good terms now. I think what really helped our relationship is my learning how to anticipate his reaction to things better. When I got to know him better, I knew what his triggers were. This allowed me to talk with him before an assignment or unit to come up with a plan together. For example, when I was planning to teach probability in math I knew he would become frustrated right from the start because it involves so much reading. We were able to talk about it and I let him know that I would be there to support him and he could choose to work with a partner as well. The following weeks went really well for him and he was happy to help motivate his partner to get work done too. When I look back on our relationship, I feel really good about how far we’ve come. It feels good to be a trusted adult in this student’s life. I hope that through our experience, we will feel at least a little more trusting of teachers as he moves onto to Junior High next year.
Part of the Process 
January 25, 2014 at 1:27 pm
I don’t really have any great incite for you except for sharing a conversation I listened to between my CT and a student who has been diagnosed to be on the autistic spectrum in my class. She was working on a writing assignment that I had given in a science writing lesson. She had drawn a very detailed well labeled picture depicting her science exploration. She was struggling with writing about it, although she could tell us what she wanted to write. She then said something that stopped both of us in our tracks, “My Mom will be mad if I don’t do this. I have to do this. I don’t want to be bad.” (From what we know of her mother, she would not be mad). My CT realized that when the work gets hard, she thinks it is her fault and that she is doing something wrong. The student had then worked herself into a frenzy where she was so distraught and mad at herself that of course she couldn’t write. (I imagine she was close to the breaking pencils feelings that your student had! I have seen her work on something and then violently erase out of frustration ripping her paper and then crying because it is ruined.) My CT had a conversation with her about how it is not her fault that the work is hard and that it does not mean she is being bad. She continued to explain how everyone struggles as they learn. We realized we need to teach her to recognize and celebrate small steps – much more so than most others need. I think we often point out what she has done well once she is already heading down the road to breaking pencils which is too late. Something we will start doing is praising her earlier and more often. Hopefully we can manage this in our class of 25, and hopefully it will help!
January 26, 2014 at 5:41 pm
I can very well relate to you. I am struggling to connect with one of my students. Similar to Derrick, she just shuts down whenever I try to talk to her. You have made a good point of talking to him when he is feeling good. When I have thought about in retrospect, I have realized that most of the times when I tried to talk to her was when she was frustrated and on the verge of a meltdown because I felt I could help her. It did not occur to me until now that may be I made her condition worse by infringing in her personal space. Thanks for a great post. I am looking forward to try a better way to connect to her.
January 26, 2014 at 8:00 pm
I can also relate to your experience with Derrick. I have a student in my main placement who I often struggle to reach. I feel that I have been able to establish a relationship with him but I can’t seem to figure out how to engage him. He is often very shut down in school when working on certain subjects. He puts up a wall and says “I don’t know”, and I am not sure how to really reach him. He often seems very unmotivated and uninterested. I like your idea about trying to connect with Derrick when he is not frustrated. I think this is something I should try. At times when he is not in the middle of an assignment that is frustrating him, perhaps I can talk to him about it. I can try to understand where he is coming from, what he doesn’t like or finds difficult, and how we can engage him.
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